What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
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Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I support this random dude and all his protests
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Seems a bit forward
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.