What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
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FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
A bold strategy
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH