What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
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I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I like crazy people until they notice me
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
The Compass
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.