Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
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[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
i actually laughed 😩
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet