“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
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My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I wish I were this cool 😂
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.