What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
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Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
A short story of betrayal:
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.