What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
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Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
No Google it does not
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Go girl power!
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.