What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
You Might Also Like
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing