I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
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If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Best misinterpreted text ever!
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life