Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
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Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Had to try this trend 😊
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh