What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
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If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
good morning
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade