ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
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{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
wait.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
My neck, my back, my…
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.