@JT_IV_: What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
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@jferg1616: Boss: "We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die."
@minivansandgin: Hear toddler having meltdown at Target Me: Parents should control their kids! Cashier: Isn't she yours? Me: C: I saw her come in with you.
@Tw1tter_K1tten: Not only did I find 5 grey hairs on the top of my head but they were also sticking straight up. So....I'm transforming into Albert Einstein.
@JamieGreenlees: I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying