Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Me, in DM rooms…
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I’m already scared
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
my nickname in college
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…