I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
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My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Proctology is located in A55
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.