My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
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Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
*aggressively waits in line*
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
japanese corn
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.