What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
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If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.