If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
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[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)