I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
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2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward