I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
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Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*