Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
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When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Always the camel, never the toe.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
live long and prosper!
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
This fish is cracking me up
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.