Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
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My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan