@wolfpupy: what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
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@juliussharpe: I rented a tuxedo then didn't need it. Do you know how hard it is to sublet a tuxedo?
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money? Me: So they can buy stuff. 4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff? She’s a criminal mastermind.
@WittySassBasket: *books 90 minute massage* Me: DON'T TOUCH ME. I'm only here for the nap.
@PanettaSexyTime: This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
@FeelingMervis: DATING TIP: Size does matter! Tell her how big your TV is.
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