what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
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Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.