My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
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accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Mountain Goat : )