What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
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Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
This is my emotional support knife.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.