What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
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my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.