What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
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The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
*3.5 thank you very much.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
The answer is funnier than the question
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
🤣🤣
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book