What number SPF blocks people?
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It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Anyone want a chair?
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order