took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
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If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…