What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
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oh my god
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.