What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
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I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
who named him groot and not spruce lee
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
just got my engagement photos
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.