What personal space?
My dog
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I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.