My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
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Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.