He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
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When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life