@Illiter8: What possible bit about trying to buy a large number of ice cream containers and two boxes of tampons says I want to chat you up, douchebag?
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@flashember: [Alligator feeding at the zoo] Me: Hey let me do it Keeper: 1st time? M: Heck no *alligator takes me by the arm* I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
@mattgallo123: House arrest? You mean permission to excuse myself from social interaction? Oh no, judge. Please don't.
@therealeatwood: GOD: Moses!! I COMMAND YOU TO—can you take your shoes off MOSES: What? Why G: I’m trying to keep the place nice, OK? M: It’s a mountain
@PajamaBen_: *dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*