“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
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I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
We’ve all been there
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.