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@DepressedDarth: What program do Jedi use to PDF files?
Adobe Wan Kenobi
@mjkspeaks: How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
@joeyhuggles: My favorite response to someone asking how something works... "Magic" even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy
@flashember: [Enters baby room late at night]
[baby's got a raccoon in a headlock]
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
@michaelianblack: Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I'm never like, "Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?"
@JessicaVarsity: I've watched three episodes of "I Shouldn't Be Alive" tonight, adding "outdoor enthusiast and survival expert" to my online dating profile.