Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
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Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
When you let grandma cat sit
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.