What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
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found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?