What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
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Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
$3 #books
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.