“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
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“Miss me yet?” – 2019
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
me working on my assignments ^-^
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
😂 amazing answer
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said