“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
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I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay