“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
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Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.