What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
You Might Also Like
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Good boy 😂😂
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
technically true but not a great slogan
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.