What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
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“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
men are simple creatures
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Happy Halloween 🎃
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.