what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
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this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Lmao the reply
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.