@Love_bug1016: What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
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@aka_fatman: Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway. Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident. Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
@Tierno158: I invented a game where people get so stoned they can barely walk & chase each other around the yard. It's called...wait for it: Hash Tag.
@Jake_Vig: HER: I think we should see other people. ME: I don't. We're awful. We should leave other people alone.
@ThisLocalHater: The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.