What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
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As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that