What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
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LMAO
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101