@nocuffinthots: What she smoking fam
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@Donna_McCoy: No thanks Black Friday crowds. I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
@notacroc: [at a bar] CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
@QwertyJones3: [Playing piano to impress a Russian girl] "Do you like it?" Her: That's sheet music "Yes, it is." Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
@UncleDuke1969: "Let's call it a day." I don't know what else you'd call it. Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid. "Lets call it a turtle." See?