Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
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“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
#parenting
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine