AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
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DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Hey I worked for it too!
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.