I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
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Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.